Nightmare in NYC

We are on the eve of my quick trip to the Big Apple. Not just to holiday, but to meet the love of my life. Maybe. Him being the love I mean. I am definitely meeting someone. Unless he stands me up. Which is completely possible. Maybe he’s a jerk or maybe, and more plausibly, he’s had enough of my psycho.

I’m not crazy really, but my anxiety has been on high this last few weeks. It’s this trip that is my trigger. As excited as I am, I still cannot find my way out of imagining every possible negative scenario that may arise. The fear wakes me out of sleep. My heart races and I cannot stop my brain from going on a tangent. Every day it’s something different. Today I am not sure he is even who he says he is. I mean of course he’s not lying to me. We’ve spoken, I’ve seen photos. But brain tells me that it’s all an elaborate scheme. Like anyone has that much time. Why would anyone do such a thing anyway?

Another tangent. My apologies.

This brain of mine is not easy to accept. Not even for me. I question whether he, or anyone else, will be able to accept it too.

I am not sick. Or broken. There is nothing wrong with me. I’m just different. Anxiety is just a characteristic. I’m not sure I would even like me without it. But I can’t expect anyone else to like it.

I imagine there are a special kind of human that is willing to take the package deal. I hope there is. Though secretly I think some of us are meant to walk alone. Which is completely fine. We can do it. But company would be nice. And unconditional love.

Let’s hope my weird settles before I jet. Fingers crossed hoping for two days without an episode. I’d prefer to introduce him to it slowly over time. Maybe make it quirky? Potential mates like quirky right?

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