I’ve changed. She’s changed me. I don’t love as easily. Sometimes I don’t love at all. I don’t trust as easily. I’m distant.
I worry that I won’t have the deep connections with others that I want. I’m afraid that my brain will be a turn off for anyone interested in me. If I even let anyone get that close to me.
Relationships require work. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to enter into one that requires extra work. In my mind these must be exceptional humans. None of these humans would want me. Anxiety says I am unacceptable this way.
There are so many ways anxiety can screw with a relationship.
Overthinking, imagining worse case scenarios, constant/over communication, over dependence, fear of rejection.
At the opposite end is avoidance. This is where I raise my hand. I’ve never wanted to burden anyone with my feelings so I’ve hidden them. I shut everyone out. I shut off.
Anxiety tells me it’s the right thing to do. That I am better off alone. Unfeeling. But I can’t help but feel lonely sometimes.
The loneliness feeds the anxiety. The anxiety feeds the loneliness.
You can’t win.
And while I am alone I do a lot of self talk.
I am beautiful.
I am kind.
I am not my anxiety.
I am worthy and deserving of the love I seek.
I can’t say for certain that this helps but it does give me someone to talk to. Someone who understands.
Relationships are hard. Especially ones with yourself.