Talking, fighting…the usual

I’ve drafted at least ten posts. They seem like great ideas at the time. Maybe they still are. I just can’t seem to do anything with them. Yet.

I wanted to write about how grateful I am to be living with a mental illness. Yes I said grateful. I’ll explain that statement one day.

Instead, today I’m using all my tools to keep from slipping into that dark place again.

I knew this was coming.

I’ve been feeling really good lately. So good that it worried me. There’s always a little voice in the back of my brain that warns me not to get too comfortable. Or complacent. That this can’t and won’t last forever. Sadly that voice is right.

It started this morning with a rejection letter from a psychologist. Her apologies, but she doesn’t think she can help me.

Did not see that coming.

Then there was watching all my friends preparing for their time on stage this weekend. My heart wants to be there with them but my body is still telling me no. I am frustrated with my training. My knee, which was a trigger for my last bout of depression, is still a trigger. I tell myself I should just be grateful to be able to train at all. And I am, but the competitor inside me….

These, and a few other things, have led me here.

Right now I’m fighting a war between who I know I am and who my brain is telling me I am. I feel ugly and useless. Incapable of navigating through life. With little to offer anyone. Feeling lost. Feeling like I am running out of time.

It’s times like these I have to look back over my life and remind myself what I have survived and accomplished.

I have to remind myself that there is no rush.

I have to remind myself not to force my life. It needs to flow.

I have to remind myself that I am absolutely fine the way I am. It’s ok to want to be more, to be better, but it’s ok to be just as I am too.

I have to remind myself that this is just a bad day. And it’s almost over. And tomorrow I am given another opportunity for a good day.

In the meantime I’ve got some more self talk to do. If I keep at it long enough eventually I’m gonna listen.

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