ISO

I’ve never wanted easy. In my life or in my men. I’ve never wanted worship or fawning. Gifts? How trite.

I prefer questions and conversations.

Heartfelt words written and delivered during the dead of night.

Capture my image. Show me what you see.

Sing to me.

And if all these fail you, speak to me in body language.

Sometimes I take pictures

I am well aware that it takes years of practice to be proficient let alone good at any craft. I know because I have spent my entire life sculpting my physique. I love it. It never gets old. Sometimes I’m not completely motivated, but thanks to discipline I always make it happen.

When it comes to other things I am not such a go getter. I don’t know why. I think I could be good at other forms of art, but my drive ebbs and flows and I find a lot of time passes between practices.

I don’t know what the answer to this is. If anyone does I’d like to hear it.

All the men I’ve loved before

It’s funny. All the relationships you forget about after they end. They become part of your past. Lessons learned, but mostly irrelevant.

Right?

I’ve been single awhile now. Partly by choice, partly forced. My selection of suitors not what it once was. Maturing means being more selective. It also means looking back at all those past relationships. Why did they end? Is there a pattern? Is it me? And yes there was a pattern. And yes it was me.

They were not bad men. Ok, well some of them were. They were definitely the same type of men. A type I have worked hard to stay away from these past years.

There has been a lot of work on self. Figuring out who I am. What I want. Who I want. It’s not easy work. It’s been down right uncomfortable. But the work has worked. I can finally say I like this human I am becoming. She still has many of the qualities she had as young woman, but she’s a lot wiser and mostly certainly more discerning.

However….

In all this time alone working on me I’ve somehow lost the skills to interact with others. More specifically men. Not that I have alot of opportunities, but when I do I find myself completely lost.

What do I say? Should I flirt? Am I being too forward? Am I not saying enough?

My wish is to meet and develop a relationship organically. Something lasting. I’m not sure that happens anymore though. When you don’t go out often, when most of your social interactions happen online does organic even exist?

And why does anyone remotely promising have to live in another country?!

If I am honest with myself I will admit that part of me fears I will fall back into old patterns. It keeps me from putting myself out there more than I do. That fear of failure becomes my excuse. I become closed off. Unreadable. Unapproachable.

Today I don’t have a partner to blame for a failed relationship. Today the problem is me. And I’m struggling to find what it is about me that still needs work.

Now you see me

The back of a hand after speaking up

The weight of a body after saying no

Life breath taken as fingers close around a throat

The prick of a pin

A love of heroine

A mad mind

Close to suicide

A decade of life

She lives

You should see her now