It’s all hair

I have a tell.

I want to shave my head.

That’s my tell.

That is my sign to the people I talk to.

When my mental health is suffering shaving my head is one of the first things I think about. And that’s a big deal.

I have a lot of hair. Even with half of my head shaved already I still have a lot of hair. Not gonna lie. It’s good hair.

My hair is part of my identity. It shouldn’t be, but it is. It’s not unusual to be described by my hair.

To be honest I really do love my hair. So it’s interesting and confusing to me why it’s the first thing I think about when my brain is not playing nice.

How would shaving my head help me?

Seriously. I’m asking this question because I don’t know the answer.

This past week I thought about it again. Normally the thought is fleeting, but this time I called my stylist and told her to cancel my colour appointment.

She’s been with me through my depression so she’s never shocked when I have these moments. She’s a fellow mental health sufferer too so she understands.

So now I’m one step closer to hacking it all off. I get anxious when I think about it. Then I remember the quote, “If it scares you it might be a good thing to do”.

Will I be healed? Unlikely. BUT maybe it’s time to get rid of something that is no longer of use to me. I mean really, why am I hanging on to hair? Maybe a drastic change is what I need in my life?

If you want change you must change correct?

Talk soon

A

Sshhhh

Over the weekend I decided to get rid of my social media. Two of the anyway (I still have Twitter). And this? I’m told blogging is considered social media? No matter. I exited the two big ones.

My reasons?

I have a few.

1. I’d like to use my time more constructively. Be more productive. Be more creative.

2. I want to stop talking/posting just for the sake of posting. I want what I say to be of worth. No one needs to see another meme. Seriously.

3. I’d like my interactions with people to be real. No more messenger. You wanna talk? Call or text or let’s meet. (Actually don’t call. I’m not a good phone talker lol)

4. I want to spend more time discovering who I am. You can’t do that by staring at everyone else’s life.

I’m even considering taking this media hiatus a step further by taking a vow of silence.

I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. Unfortunately I have to speak at my job, but evenings and weekends I can absolutely do.

What do I expect to gain from this?

Well, it’s going to teach me to be a better listener. Not just to myself, but to others.

I’m going to have to deal with thoughts and emotions quietly. There won’t be any talking things through. Just me and what ever’s bugging me.

And maybe my meditation will get better 🙏🏼

Whatever I do, ‘Quietly’ seems to be my focus.

Sounds simple enough.

We all know it’s not going to be.

Wish me luck

I’ll shut up now

Yesterday I thought about suicide.

Not the first time.

But the first time in a long time.

My brain has been good to me lately. Life has been good. I am not complaining. Which is why yesterday was so bad.

The day started off well enough. Then midday, a text. A trigger. And then the slow spiral into despair.

I did reach out. Something I rarely do. And now I know why. There was nothing anyone said, or could have said, or didn’t say that would have helped. I realize now that my coping mechanism of hiding is the best solution for me. It shouldn’t be, but it is. Words are not enough. And I don’t have the option of company. Not that anyone would offer anyway.

Something else I realized.

Today I am still under a dark cloud, but I’m home now for the night. I can read and eat chocolate and go to bed. And hopefully forget that I’m all alone. For a few hours anyway.

At least I’m not thinking about not waking up.

Baby steps

I’m still in here

Here I am. Again. Feeling called to write. But about what?

Me?

I’m not sure what I would say. Do I have anything to say?

I stopped talking so much. For that exact reason. I try to keep my social media presence to a minimum for that exact reason. I don’t want to speak if I have nothing of value to say. I don’t want to be another page full of quotes and memes.

Perhaps I’ll use this space to journal. I feel called to do that too. Changes in me and my life. Ideas I have. Feelings.

I should probably write stuff that down.

I’ll think some more on it. Dream on it. The dreams have been very random and real lately. A side effect? Or a sign? It’s something to write about anyway.

I will say that I’m really good lately. My black cloud has cleared away. My sadness gone. The weight of my world has lifted. I didn’t realize how much I was holding onto. I feel free. Finally.

It was a long road. And it was not easy. And I still work on it everyday. But damn it feels good not to feel like shit everyday.

And with that I will bid myself good night. Because getting enough sleep is a major contributor to my well being.

✌🏼💫

Home

Welcome back, it whispers to me.

I thought I was free of you, I say.

In truth I know I was never far from returning. It was only a matter of time, though my fight was valiant.

And a lie.

I wanted to believe that light would win out, but for some darkness is their only friend.

For some the under world is home.

It does not judge or pretend.

There are no masks.

A smile is genuine and so too is sadness.

Both are welcome.

Both are accepted.

That and more is expected.

Rage, fury, hate reign free.

Only here they go unpunished.

How liberating to feel such things and then be rid of them.

If you wish.

Black Bird

I came upon a black bird
I found him in a cage
He was beautiful and large I imagine though he could not spread his wings
The cage was more like a prison than a home
I would visit everyday
And in time he came to know my name
Some days we would talk for hours
Others, I would just stare in awe at his majesty
He spoke of many things
So intelligent was he
Except when it came to one thing
He did not realize he was free
The door to his cage was always open
He could leave on his own free will
But he remains still
I pray one day he sees his escape from his imaginary ties
What a glorious day it will be to see him fly

Talking, fighting…the usual

I’ve drafted at least ten posts. They seem like great ideas at the time. Maybe they still are. I just can’t seem to do anything with them. Yet.

I wanted to write about how grateful I am to be living with a mental illness. Yes I said grateful. I’ll explain that statement one day.

Instead, today I’m using all my tools to keep from slipping into that dark place again.

I knew this was coming.

I’ve been feeling really good lately. So good that it worried me. There’s always a little voice in the back of my brain that warns me not to get too comfortable. Or complacent. That this can’t and won’t last forever. Sadly that voice is right.

It started this morning with a rejection letter from a psychologist. Her apologies, but she doesn’t think she can help me.

Did not see that coming.

Then there was watching all my friends preparing for their time on stage this weekend. My heart wants to be there with them but my body is still telling me no. I am frustrated with my training. My knee, which was a trigger for my last bout of depression, is still a trigger. I tell myself I should just be grateful to be able to train at all. And I am, but the competitor inside me….

These, and a few other things, have led me here.

Right now I’m fighting a war between who I know I am and who my brain is telling me I am. I feel ugly and useless. Incapable of navigating through life. With little to offer anyone. Feeling lost. Feeling like I am running out of time.

It’s times like these I have to look back over my life and remind myself what I have survived and accomplished.

I have to remind myself that there is no rush.

I have to remind myself not to force my life. It needs to flow.

I have to remind myself that I am absolutely fine the way I am. It’s ok to want to be more, to be better, but it’s ok to be just as I am too.

I have to remind myself that this is just a bad day. And it’s almost over. And tomorrow I am given another opportunity for a good day.

In the meantime I’ve got some more self talk to do. If I keep at it long enough eventually I’m gonna listen.