My brain has been good to me lately. Life has been good. I am not complaining. Which is why yesterday was so bad.
The day started off well enough. Then midday, a text. A trigger. And then the slow spiral into despair.
I did reach out. Something I rarely do. And now I know why. There was nothing anyone said, or could have said, or didn’t say that would have helped. I realize now that my coping mechanism of hiding is the best solution for me. It shouldn’t be, but it is. Words are not enough. And I don’t have the option of company. Not that anyone would offer anyway.
Something else I realized.
Today I am still under a dark cloud, but I’m home now for the night. I can read and eat chocolate and go to bed. And hopefully forget that I’m all alone. For a few hours anyway.
I guess if I’m gonna do this I need to be honest. Like brutally. Not just write about the good stuff or the bad but not so bad stuff. Everything counts. Everything gets equal time. Nothing gets omitted. It’s the only way this is gonna work.
Normally I would’ve pretended today didn’t happen. Not because anything horrible happened, but because of how I felt.
Today those stupid, yet absolutely normal, feelings of loneliness won. I’m not even sure how it happened. I’ve felt great for so long now. And I know they are only feelings. They are not real. They don’t mean anything. They will pass. Still…my heart fuckin’ hearts. I didn’t want to come home to an empty space. Today I am tired of being alone. Today my body aches for connection and affection. None of which is coming. It hasn’t for a long time now. Mostly I accept it. I am my own best friend. I find ways to make my life enjoyable and fulfilled. But sometimes it’s not enough.
My worst fear is dying alone. I know that sounds dramatic. It’s how I feel and my feelings, like everyone else’s, is valid. Maybe I’m wrong, but I see no indication of that.
Time for tea. It’s hawthorn tonight. Hawthorn berry is good for all things heart. Even broken ones